26 Oct

A Year of Trying to Open a Locked Door

grief, grieving, depressed, depression

It is today that marks the first year my husband passed away. I fought a great deal of battle and I am aware that I would still be going through more in the following years to come. I have neglected so many things as I went through the first year without my husband who served as my best friend, my stronghold, my weakness, my guide, my everything. Without him, I was completely lost.

Going through grief and depression is devastating. I have done things I never thought I would do in my whole life and yet I still did just because for me, there was no point of walking on a path. I was just wandering with no direction and not a single care given as to what the consequences might be for my actions. Besides, I was not hurting anyone, I was just hurting myself. I still managed to perform my duties at my workplace and perform my responsibilities to my mother. No harm done to anyone, but myself. Behind the smiles and laughter I blurt out in front of everybody else, nobody knows what I am really going through, but myself.

Therefore, I decided to fly back home on his first death anniversary. There were some people who said it was not a good idea but deep inside me, it felt like I needed to do it. Honestly, even I do not know what I have done this for. Is it for closure? For acceptance? I felt neither aside from confirmation. Confirmation that, as I stand in front of my husband’s grave and staring at it, the whole one year of him being gone confirmed to me that he will never physically come back to me ever. Yes, for a year, I was in denial. For each and every single day of a year, I was still hoping and wishing that everything was just a bad dream and I will wake up to his extremely loud snore and I would wrap my arms around his globe of a tummy.

“You’re really never coming back huh?” I thought while looking at his grave. Silence. Not even an imaginary response. He’s gone.

It felt like you were just happily walking with someone, telling stories, laughing at jokes, etc. and you had to go through a door then that someone walks ahead of you and just shuts the door in front of you. No signs, hints, warning, clues, whatsoever. It sends a flock of shock and confusion to you as you try to pry the door open but it would not budge. There are other open doors but just because that someone went specifically through that door you get fixated on it. You pop your head in on the other doors but you don’t see him so you head back out and try that locked door again. I have been trying to open that door for a year. It never even creaked.

For now, I would not be going be going through any other doors just yet. I would step back from that locked door, be still, and think things through…

I love you Hal. Forever.

grief, grieving, depressed, depression

Comments
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