I can’t remember the last time I wrote you a letter, but it’s devastating that the possibility of you reading this one is questionable. For more than 11 years we have been thorough in making sure that we would always communicate with each other in whatever ways possible. If one of us sends a text, it would be impossible not to get a reply. Now, I find myself sending messages to you through various platforms, but all I get is silence. I would do anything right now just to be seen-zoned by you.
Hal, I don’t know if you can feel what I feel right now. But damn, this is grueling. Sadness, pain, guilt, regret, anger, indifference, aversion, fear, grief, frustration, discontent and all the other negative emotions got rolled into one, stuffed into my mouth and forced me to swallow everything.
I’m going back to work soon you know. You are aware of the nature of my work. Hal, I’m scared that I might not be able to perform my duties right. If you were here, if only you could at least talk to me, you would know the right things to say to get me back on track. But I know I have to be professional and it’s tough to put a smile on your face while being tortured.
I want you to be with me. I want us to board the plane together. I want us to go on with our plans. What do I do now if all of my plans ahead involved us? I miss you. I tremendously miss you. I would give anything if there is the slightest chance of getting you back.
The amount of “What ifs” going on in my head is immeasurable. If only there was something I could have done to stop this from happening. I would still have you. We would probably be playing right now or I would probably be cooking and you would be there in the kitchen with me being your annoying self. The possible scenarios are endless, if only you’re still with me.
Who do I geek with now? Who do I go on food trips with now? Who do I do the grossest things with now? Who do I laugh with now? Who do I discuss the most serious matters with now? There are so many things that we do for and with each other that it’s tough to go on doing things without you. All I could think of is “If only Jhayr is with me right now… If only Jhayr could see this right now… Jhayr would have loved this…” and you, the person I share every experience with, have left.
Hal, mahal na mahal kita. If it’s really impossible for you to be back here with me, then please, help me face everything without you by my side. Without you responding to me. I am on the verge of going insane. Help me keep my sanity.
Sorry if this letter has no theme. I meant to write it for you with my current thought poured out. People usually do this to say things they weren’t able to say when their loved one is still alive. But not me. That’s probably the only regret that I don’t have because everyday we never failed to say how much we loved each other and how thankful we both are for us.
Then again, I still want to say that I love you so much Hal and thank you for coming into my life. What pains me now, is that I could never hear you say it back to me anymore.
I miss you Hal…